


Linings made of silver (folded inside each raining cloud)

by quilledcorsair



Series: Are we there yet? [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 03:46:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3795505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quilledcorsair/pseuds/quilledcorsair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killian finally opens up to Emma about his time on the Island.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Linings made of silver (folded inside each raining cloud)

It’s been less than a week since he’s been back and Emma could already feel him drifting away from her. She found him always lost in thought, staring away in the distance. And he still hadn’t told her what happened on the island and a part of her knows that he needs the space to approach her about it, but it wrecked her to see him like this. To see him but not  _see him_.

Her hand itched to reach out and erase the lines on his forehead, heal whatever wounds he’d fostered in his missing year. She wants to hold him and never let go because she’s  _afraid_. Afraid that she’d lose him, especially when she just got him back. Chancing a glance at their daughter, she sighed to herself. When _they_  had just got him back.

She’d seen him looking at Daliah with a kind of longing she’d only ever seen once before, when she was still pushing him away, running for the hills because his love was too real and too much. But she  _cherishes_ it now.  _Revels_  in the fact that this broken, perfect man loved her.

She silently observed him, tracing his features almost desperately with her eyes as if she was afraid that he would disappear any time. It already felt like he was. She watched, halting her her dishwashing as he clenched his jaw, the glass of rum held loosely in his hand, staring at it at if it held all the answers he seems to be looking for.

She sighed again, rinsing and drying the last of the dishes before she dried her hands, walking to stand behind him, her arms slipping over his shoulders and head resting pressed to his cheek. He jumped for a second, his grip on the glass tightening before he relaxed, his racing heart slowing down. He leaned back in her embrace, his hair tickling her jaw.

“Where did you go? You looked so far away,” she whispered, gently rocking them, her eyes finding Daliah’s and smiling at her.

He didn’t reply for a long time, making Emma downhearted, sighing as she closed her eyes, searching for the patience to watch as he struggled with himself. She pressed her lips to his forehead and pulled away, hoping to get some sleep.

( _She knew he wouldn’t come to bed. He hasn’t been sleeping, not really. He laid awake all night, slipping out of bed when he thinks she’s fallen asleep, drowning his thoughts in rum and silence. She knows because she knows him, knows when he’s not there, not getting a wink of sleep as she keeps checking up on him until he falls into a fitful, alcohol induced slumber on the couch.) (She never thought it would be easy, she never expected it. But she never imagined it would be this hard either. She knew how long it took her to return to normal, to open up even to him after she’d sacrificed herself for the others, all those years. She knows it probably as hard on him, but he held on.)_

But to her surprise, he caught her wrist in his hand, pulling her into his lap, his arms slipping around her waist. She masked her surprise, resting her head on his shoulder, her hands resting on his chest, reveling in every beat of his heart, her own in complete sync.

“I’m sorry, love,” he murmured, lips pressed to her jaw, hand reaching out to trace her cheek. 

She pulled back slightly, situating herself more comfortably on his lap, her legs draped over his knees. “I don’t want to lose you,” she admitted, her eyes fixed on a button on his shirt.

“Oh, Swan… You never have to worry about that,” he pulled her closer, his tone incredulous. “Like it or not, you’re stuck with me,  _wife_ ,” he teased.

“Why does it feel like I am?” she countered her eyes sharp when they met his. “I got you back, Killian,” she swallowed thickly. “A  _year_  later, I got you back. I cannot tell you how good it feels to just hold you and-” her voice breaks, making him grow worried, his hand rubbing a soothing pattern on her back as he let her talk, knowing that she needed to  get it off her chest.

“And I just feel like I haven’t gotten  _you_  back yet. You seem so far away, I’m just scared,” she fisted her hand in his shirt. “I’m scared that whatever demons are keeping you from sleeping will one day keep you from me,” she exhales sharply, her breathing ragged as she tried to keep her emotions in check.

He didn’t know what to say,  _how_  to tell her why he’s so haunted.  _Why_  he’s so lost,  _why_  he feels like he is suffocating because the pain is just too much. He opens and closes his mouth helplessly, trying to formulate any answer that would dissipate this  _ridiculous_ notion she seems to be having. But he couldn’t, his throat too thick as images of blonde curls and blue eyes and  _so much blood, bloody hell_  flashes across his mind, making him shudder.

“I love you, Emma,” he finally says, his eyes implored her to understand that he was never leaving. He never would put her through that again.

She almost seemed disappointed, her shoulders slumping and her hands dropping from his chest. She pursed her lips, her emerald gaze probing his, trying - and failing - to find the answer. She pecked his cheek, her lips barely grazing his stubbled chin as she got up wordlessly, walking over to their daughter and carrying the protesting but drowsy child to put her to bed.

He groaned to himself, his face distraught as he ran his hands through his hair.  _How he wished he could just bring himself to tell her, confess to her and let her soothe him in the best way only she ever could._

-/-

It was around two in the morning when he finally slipped into bed, trying to make as little movement as possible, hoping to not disrupt his wife’s sleep.

And he wouldn’t have,  _if_  she had been sleeping. She opened her eyes, watching as he pulled himself closer, not surprised to see her awake. She closed the remaining distance between them, curling up next to him, her legs slipping between his.

“Are you okay?” she asked, already knowing he was not going to say anything other than his well practiced ‘Aye’. But he had always surprised her and this time was no different.

“No, Swan,” he breathes, shifting on his back. “I’m not.”

“I know,” she replied simply, leaning on her elbow so she could look at him. “Are you ready to talk about it?” she asked softly, her hands brushing his hair gently.

“No. But I know you want answers. And if that’s what it takes to quell you worries, I’m only happy to oblige,” he smiled, all soft and dimpled, making her heart skip a beat, because no matter how many years they’ve been together and how many smiles they’ve shared, his smile has never ceased to send her in a tizzy.

“Killian, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she smiled down at him.

“I want to, love, I do. I just- I’m not the same man I was when I left and I-”

She cut him off before he could say anything stupid. “I will never stop loving you, you idiot,” she playfully admonished, her sincerity ringing true. “No matter what happened to you, you’ll always be the man I love. You’ll always be  _my_ husband. Daliah’s father. Nothing changes that.”

His eyes shined with unshed tears as he pulled her in for a deep kiss, making her moan softly at the back of her throat. Slowly, pulling back, she pushed herself up so her back rested against the headboard, taking his hand in hers, squeezing encouragingly.

He cleared his throat, his gaze resting on their entwined hands, searching for the courage to tell her all. Staring at the ceiling, he began his tale. 

“I was on my way to the island Regina had mentioned, when I faced the most ferocious storms of all time, almost wrecking the  _Jolly_. But she held strong. I was forced to  retreat to the nearby shore. A seemingly deserted island. Gods, if only it were. The  _Jolly_  still needed some repairs after the storm, so I went about fixing her, hoping to leave as soon as I possibly could. 

“It was late one night when I heard a sound on the deck, going up to check it out only to face a girl, not much older than 12, brandishing a sword like any skilled pirate and demanding I take her from the island,” Emma could hear the undertone of pride in her voice, piquing her curiosity. She raised her brow silently, waiting for him to continue. He stopped to clear his suddenly thick throat.

“Swan, I was like I had seen a ghost,” he breathed, his hand tightening on hers. She shifted, lying down again so she could face him properly.

“What happened?” she asked, almost entranced by his tale. 

“She-the girl, she was the splitting image of Liam, all blonde curls and blue eyes, pushing her authority and strong-willed, not flinching in the face of danger. And stubborn,” he added with a sardonic smile, making her heart hurt, not knowing why exactly.

“How is that even possible?” she breathed, her eyes wide in shock.

He sighed, turning to face her, his eyes filling up with tears. “She’s his child, Swan. I never knew that he- I never knew. And he didn’t either, I’m sure. He-he talked about finding love well enough, but I never-” he sighed, cutting himself off. “If he’d known, he would never had taken the arduous journey to Neverland. He would have put his child first.” After a moment’s pause, he added, “He would have lived.”

“Killian,” she whispered brokenly, her own pain paling in comparrison to what he must feel. “How was she still alive?” she asked then.

His face turned dark then, reminding Emma of the man he once was, of the vengance soaked pirate, making her shudder and pull herself closer to him, to remind him of who he was now, who he’s always been to her: a hero.

“Bloody Pan,” he muttered, making her heart sink. “All those years on that wretched island, she was held captive, Pan hoping he could use her as leverage against me. All those years, Swan- she was right there. Liam’s daughter.  _My niece_.  _Evelyn,_ ” he emphasized, his grip on her hand tightening.

She shushed him with her lips against his, moving gently to quell his rage. He sighed, relaxing against her. “If you don’t want to talk further about it… I get it.”

“No, Swan. I need to talk about it as much as you need to hear it,” he argued, frown marring his face.

Emma wanted to protest, but she held her tongue. “She was  _furious_  when she found out who I was,” he continued. “She loathed me, in fact. And Liam. She was orphaned as a child, her mother dying in childbirth. she grew up alone and unloved, thinking her father had abandoned her. When she found out that I was in Neverland, she was doubly angry. She accused me of abandoning family, of being selfish. Yet despite it all….” he trailed off, trying to find the right words.

“You were happy,” Emma whispered, finishing it for him. “She was your niece. You family. Of course you were happy,” she smiled at him.

He returned her smile, “Aye. I was. Once she’d stopped trying to attack me,  _yet again_ , she was ready to listen to reason  _if_  I promised her a safe journey away from the island.”

“Why? I thought it was abandoned.”

“That’s what I’d assumed as well. But it turned out to be as cursed as Neverland. Once Pan died, the realms started self-destructing, gaping holes on the horizon. She fell through one of them and ended up on that island. But she wasn’t the only one. There were already other inhabitants there. Captain John Silver, to be precise,” he growled, his fury returning ten-fold.

“What?  _He’s_ real too?!”

“Swan, I wait for the day you actually stop being incredulous about your life,” he half teased, although the smile soon fell off his face. “Silver is not how he’s portrayed in that book, Swan. He’s far more evil, I assure you. With a far more sinister agenda. He wanted this-this sextant, to find Davy Jones’s ship. He wanted to captain it, I presume. He wasn’t really forthcoming with the details.”

“But why would he hold your niece captive? And you?”

Killian huffed, a self-depreciating smile taking over. “Well, he was looking for a  _Jones_ ,” he replied, his gaze shifting to the ceiling.

It took Emma a moment to catch on, her surprise shifting to incredulity to sadness. “He’s your father…” she breathed, her eyes suddenly filling up with tears, because she may not have known who his father was, but she knew he’d hurt Killian, abandoned him.

“Aye,” he cleared his throat, his eyes still not meeting hers. She knew she shouldn’t push him, not now, so she wordlessly pressed her lips to his jaw, waiting for him to continue. “I’d hoped I could save her, rescue her before the men came looking for her. But the  _Jolly_ wasn’t ready yet, and I-I couldn’t risk getting shipwrecked. But they raided the ship at night, and I was distracted-and-” 

“-you got kidnapped,” Emma sighed, her head resting on his chest, hand clutching his t-shirt tight.

“I tried protecting Evelyn, but I failed, Swan. We were both captured, and Silver  _tortured_ me for information about my father. I had no idea what’d happened to Evelyn, if she was even safe. If they were doing to me what they-”  he cut himself off, his voice breaking, making Emma’s heart hurt. “If I even had an  _inkling_ of what they were after, I would have given it to them. I had no idea how long it had been, days, months…they all blended together until there was no sense of time. Only darkness, suffocating me.

“The only thing keeping me alive was you, Emma. I knew I  _had_ to come home to you, to our family. I knew I had to save Evelyn. It was the only thing that kept me  _alive_ ,” he confessed, pulling her closer and kissing her forehead.

Emma pressed her eyes closed, trying to stave off the tears, but they fell anyway, her grip on his t-shirt tightening as she tried to stifle her sobs. Her shoulders shook with every harsh breath, Killian’s eyes widening at her reaction, pulling both of them into a sitting position and holding her close, allowing her to cry into his shoulder.

“Shhh, love. It’s alright. I’m sorry-” 

“You’re sorry?!” she cried, finally pulling back to, her cheeks wet with tears. “You have  _nothing_ to be sorry about, Killian. Knowing what you went through, trying to get back to us… I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt,” she shuddered, her fingertips tracing the large scar on his shoulder and the one closer to his heart, making her breath hitch in her throat. “I can’t even imagine going through the pain you did. Not knowing if you were alive or not, no knowing anything….I thought that was the worst thing imaginable,” she sniffled. “But now-” she stopped herself, unable to put into words how relieved she felt.

His eyes, so full of devastation and pain and  _love_ , met hers, his face lined- withered and broken and sunken and he’s never looked more beautiful than now- her brave,  _brave_ man. “Emma…” he trailed off, his eyes roving over her face, as is he were looking for something. He cleared his throat after a moment, continuing with recounting the tale.

“They were relentless, trying to find the sextant. They wouldn’t even tell me of Evelyn’s fate. For so long, I believed her dead. I mourned her,” his voice shook, but he kept going. “For days, I was hopeless about my return. Until, of course, my inevitable rescue. Evelyn. She came to find me, to free me,” he breathed, his eyes closing, and Emma felt the tension, knowing already the tale didn’t have a happy end, her throat closing up as she blinked back the tears.

“I cannot tell you how glad I was to see her. To know she was alive and relatively unscathed. She’s come back for me, risking her own skin.”

“She sounds brave,” Emma choked out, a tremulous smile on her lips.

“Aye,” he agreed. “We’d somehow managed to evade the guards and she took me to this reclusive cave on the other edge of where they’d imprisoned me. She told me she managed to escape in the first few days, the men fooled by her size,” he chuckled. “We planned on waiting a few days for me to recover, and then find a way out of the wretched island. Those few days, I felt as if I got Liam back, Swan. She was just like him, witty and smart, quick with her snark and sword. Her years in Neverland, under Pan’s tutelage had done her good, loathe as I was to admit it. She even called me  _Uncle Killy_ , like little Roland used to…” he huffed, his vision now blurry with tears.

She didn’t want to know- she didn’t think she could handle knowing what that happened to her- this little girl who’d rescued him and stole his heart, giving him back his brother in a way Emma always hoped.

“Emma, I failed her,” he finally revealed, making her heart pound in her chest. “I was supposed to protect her, but I failed,” he choked out what seemed like a sob.

“Killian-” she wanted to tell him to stop, to not blame himself, but he ignored her.

“We got to the  _Jolly_ \- I was careful in concealing her with the potion Regina had given me. Only I was still weak, I wasn’t fast enough-  _we_  weren’t fast enough. Silver’s men found out. We tried evading their attack, and I-I thought we’d disposed of them all. I used the magic bean, opening a portal. Swan, she looked so happy. Her grin, her eyes- they were almost  _hauntingly_ reminiscent of Liam’s. We  _almost_ escaped. I swear, I’d turned away from not a moment when I heard her scream. I’d  _never_  been more scared in my life.

“I turned just in time to see a man grab her, and jump into the sea. I couldn’t reach her in time. I tried, but the portal was already open and before I could steer away from it-” he stopped, his face now buried in her neck, his whole body trembling.

Emma’s heart froze because  _they’d been so close. She could have been saved_. She couldn’t fathom how he must feel, losing yet another person he loved. She could feel his tears wetting her shoulder, but she couldn’t bring herself to be bothered by that, her arms going around his shoulders, nails digging in, her own tears running down her face. There were no words to comfort him, not with this.

So she held him. And she mourned with him.

-/-

At first, she’d been reluctant to suggest it, but as she watched the life drain out of his eyes with every passing day, as she felt him move further and further away from him, she finally couldn’t stand it.

“Kilian, we should go back to the island,” she suggested one day after dinner.

His head snapped back up so fast, she was scared that he’d hurt his neck. His eyes were wide with fear- and rage- as he more-or-less marched up to her, seizing her by her arms. “Are you  _bloody insane_?” he hissed, his tone almost wrecked, horrified that she would even suggest this.

“I-I think we should go back for Evelyn,” she replied, her eyes never leaving his alarmed eyes.

He pulled back, his hands balling in a fist. “Emma-”

“No, Killian,” she cut him off, her arms folded across her chest. “You’re a wreck. I  _know_  how you feel. You need to find her, or at least find out if-” she cut herself off, breathing in deep. “You need to find her. She’s family. And you know the family moto,” she challenged, grinning when he finally smiled, small as it may be.

-/-

They spent  _weeks_  trying to find a way to travel between realms. The bean Killian had used had been the last one. Regina even suggested recreating the storm that took Killian there in the first place, but they was soon ruled out because they didn’t have the spell to know how do it.

So, they tried finding it. For weeks; but it was one dead end after another, making Emma sigh. But she was glad they had  _some_  lead. 

Killian was better now, and she would never stop being glad for that. He still had sleepless nights, but they’ve become fewer over the past month.

-/-

It had almost been two months since they’d started looking for a way to the island but they are no closer to a lead. But Emma knew not to give up hope. But she also had her duties as the town’s sheriff to tend to, ones she’d been neglecting for way too long.

She kissed her husband on the way out, smiling against his lips. “Love you,” she whispered, pulling back slightly.

“I love you,” he grinned, his hand finding her hip.

“Mommyyyy!” Daliah whined, making both parents chuckle, Emma reluctantly pulled away, after a last peck against Killian’s lips. “We’ll be late for school! C’mon, c’mon, c’monnn!” she hurried her mother, crossing her arms almost indignantly, making Killian stifle his smirk, especially after Emma’s scowl directed at him.

“If only your brother was as enthusiastic as you to go to school,”  Emma grumbled, helping her daughter into her jacket.

The sudden, frantic knock on their door startled all of them, Emma’s grip on Daliah’s hand tightening. Killian grew alert, coming to stand next to them, all of them contemplating whether or not to open then door.

“Hello?” a soft accented voice called, muffled through the door, making Killian draw in a sharp breath.

The next moment he had the door wrenched open, his eyes wide and almost afraid. “Evie,” he breathed, falling to his knees.

Emma’s heart raced, opening the door wider to see the little girl’s face split into two from her wide smile. She looked around 10 or 11, had dirty blonde hair and eyes as bright as her husbands, dressed in tattered clothes typical of a lost boy. And she was jumping into her uncle’s arms with a delightful laugh that made Emma smile, watching as uncle and niece reunited, Killian’s arms tight around the child, his laugh warming her from within.

“Evelyn Jones,” he breathed, his tearful eyes meeting Emma’s, his grin wide and dimpled, making her grin back. “Lass, you cannot imagine how glad I am.”

“Mommy,” Daliah brought her attention back to her, “Who’s this?” she asked, her voice quiet and soft, very unlike the loud, gregarious girl she knew.

Emma smiled, kneeling down in front of her. “Honey, that’s your cousin.”

-/-

“How are you here?” Killian asked, his arm still around the grinning girl.

Emma had been quick to like Evelyn. She’d been almost knocked over when the girl had pulled out of her uncle’s embrace before she hugged Emma around her waist. Emma’s shock had been plain on her face, making Killian chuckle as he gathered his daughter in his arms, answering her incessant questions about her new cousin.

Emma’d slowly brought her arms around Evelyn, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu. She didn’t know what to say, smiling slowly at the girl as she pulled away.

They’d all ended up on the couch, Evelyn clutching a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. 

“Grandpa rescued me,” she shrugged, sipping at her drink.

Killian’s eyes bugged out, his gaze meeting Emma’s surprised one. “Grandpa?” he asked, his voice high. “Care to explain further?” he raised his eyebrow in question.

Evelyn sighed, rolling her eyes dramatically - _Oh, Emma liked this girl._ \- as she placed her mug on the coffee table. “Silver and his men, they found the sextant, finally,” she rolled her eyes again. Emma tried -and failed- to hide her grin. “They even took me along to leverage me for Grandpa’s ship. But they were such bloody idiots,” she chuckled.

( _“Language, please, Evelyn,” Killian groaned._ ) “They were no match to a ship full of immortal pirates. And grandpa. He defeated them all. I swear I thought I was next. But he smiled and he said he was very glad to see me.”

“I’ll bet he was,” he grumbled, making Emma shoot him a scathing look. “Evelyn, you know better than to associate yourself with that man,” he scolded, making her scowl.

“I can take care of myself, thank you very much.”

“Of that, I have no doubt. But you know what kind of a person he is. He left us, Evie-”

“He did it to save you!” she exploded, moving out from under his arm to stand across from him.

“He could be lying for all you know!” Killian stood up too, towering over his niece.

“Killian!” Emma chided, but he didn’t relent.

“Well, then why did he save me?” Evelyn challenged.

“Because- he wanted to-” he sputtered, throwing up his hands in defeat.

“Uncle Killy,” Evelyn sighed exasperatedly. “He sold his soul to save yours.” she disclosed.

Killian froze, his eyes locked on Emma’s face. “What-what do you mean?” Emma finally spoke.

Evelyn turned to her, before she met his gaze again. “Do you remember when you were a kid and had that horrible fever? You were dying,” she explained, her eyes sad.

Killian’s breath left him, his eyes wide and disbelieving as he slumped on the couch, Emma’s hand finding his and making him squeeze hard. “What?” he choked out, his breath coming out in harsh pants.

“You were dying, so he sold his soul to save you. He did it to _save_  you,” she emphasized. “He didn’t want to abandon you.”

He swallowed thickly, a weight he didn’t even know he was carrying seemed to lift off his shoulders, his shoulders sagging. Trying to catch his bearings, he smiled tightly at his niece. “I’m-I’m glad you’re finally safe, darling,” he whispered, pulling her into his embrace.

She sighed, burying her face in her uncle’s shoulder. “I really missed you,” she whispered.

Emma felt like she was intruding on a private moment, so she made to get up, but Killian’s hand caught her, making her meet his gaze. He subtly shook his head, tugging her down next to him.

Emma smiled, her fingers entwining with his.

Their family was finally safe. Anything else, they could all face together.


End file.
